Drea

Its been another,what...6 months since I posted on here. I'm bad at this, I know. I'm back in Reno. This time it's not so bad. I have Teralynn here with me. So I'm not alone. I don't wanna move anymore. I'm sick of moving every 6 months. I think I will stay here for a while. Few years. THEN move back to California permanently. I start cosmetology school on April 21st. I'm pretty excited about that. I don't talk to Vandale anymore, this time for good. So he says. He has a girlfriend, doesn't wanna mess things up.Whatever.He will always be a cheater.Maybe not right this minute, but he will be texting me in a matter of months.I can almost put money on it. I live with my Grammy, she drives us crazy. My 21st is in 19 days. No plans. My life sucks. But I'm totally ok with not having a life anymore. Wanna know why? When I did have a life...in Sac...I was bad. I did drugs&drank too much. Didn't have an interest in LIFE. All I cared about was me,Tera,Vandale,Matt,and a few other close friends. I went down the wrong path,it wasn't good for me. My family was scared for me. That I would wait too long and be on that path forever. Moving here was like a reality check for me. No more drugs and alcohol. Pull your life together again. I used to have such big dreams. And in all my partying, they got lost. I didn't know what to do with my life. Or how to do it. Now I'm on the right path, and feel so good about myself. Got rid of all negative people in my life:Brittany,Jeremy,David,Vandale,Matt. They are all about the drama&drugs. Not ok. Not me anymore. I started over with a clean slate. I'm gonna make it work and make something of myself. I'm gonna be ok...

So, I'm moving back home. My mom got me a great job at a real estate office. I get to drive her Mustang around. I'll be with my friends and brother parents who I miss like crazy,suprsingly. It just feels right to me, so whats the big deal?
Angie's mad at me. "You're making a huge mistake...I just thought more of you...I didn't realize how dependent you were on your mom til now"
My Grandpa is sad. "We got used to having you around...We'll miss you...Who's gonna beat us at Jeopardy now?"
My cousins are heartbroken. I don't get to really say bye to them because they are in Santa Rosa for a week and I leave on Friday. Which is probably a good thing, I suck at goodbyes. I'm gonna be a mess. Saying bye to Angie and my Grandpa are gonna be the hardest. I cry thinking about it. But I know the MINUTE I cross that California/Nevada border I will be so happy. I don't know if I will really have a life again, my best friend is a total flake and my other 2 best friends are in Sac. Both without cars. But I'm hoping maybe some old friends will have missed me and want to hang out from time to time.
But thats not the reason I'm moving. Not cuz of friends...thats a major plus...but its not the REASON. I couldn't get a job here, and my mom gave me a great opportunity. I'm not really worried about us fighting because we have both matured a lot since I was 17. Its not the same anymore. We've both made mistakes, big ones, and have let shit go. I know how to handle our arguments now. I know not to just run out of the house the first time I get mad.
So I think this will go well. I will be happy again.
I hope...

So Chris confessed his love for me last night. HAHAHAHAHA! He's lame. I was like umm ok,glad to know you feel that way.Not gonna fall for that again. Over it.

Umm...some drama went on after the FIRST and probably LAST time i hung out with Jeremy. Haha. That boy always has been and always will be D.R.A.M.A! I find it SO amusing though.

Haley is back to ignoring me.The one time i heard from her it was "oh sorry I've been soooo busy with work"...umm bitch I know you talk to your oh-so-beloved-boyfriend at least ten fucking times a day. Can't spare a minute for the best friend? Guess not. I see where her priorities are,and as always,I come last. Boyfriend first.Me last.Fuck that.Don't like being second best to everyone that I put first. Maybe I need to not be a good friend anymore.Anyone agree?
K good,cool,thanks,glad we agree.Haha

Ciao Bella!

So this week has been eventful. I spent most of it with KT which was awesome. I have missed hanging out with that girl.It sucks that I won't be able to come back here for a while cuz I'm starting school next month. :( Boo.
Friday night I went to the Hysteria show.They were setting up and Vin looked at me and smiled.Thats the most contact we've had in over a year.Then after the show we talked for a little bit...but he seemed distant...like he was only talking to me to be polite or something.I don't blame him though. It just brought back a lot of feelings. I think I will always have some kind of feelings for him,scary and stupid as it is. Maybe I was in love with him back then, but just didn't know it because I didn't know what love felt like.And now that I do know what it feels like, I had those same feelings with him until shit went bad.Makes me feel like I made a mistake and we could have still been together today.Happy.Oh well,we all make mistakes.But I find myself missing him all the time.ALL THE TIME.Like I just want to call him and hear his voice,hear him be "Kayla"...crack his jokes.I miss the old him...why can't things ever be perfect?
Anyways...Saturday I waited around all day for Haley to get off work at 11. Then we picked up Robert Manning, who I used to work with at In Shape. Got way drunk and lets just call it a night. Stayed up til 7 in the morning, parents woke us up at 10 for birthday breakfast. Made myself a drink haha.Then went to the Giants game.Never been so damn hot in my LIFE. I have NEVER been to San Francisco with the weather being 90+ degrees....it was so bad I almost couldn't enjoy the game. But I did. :) GIANTS WON! I hadn't been to a baseball game since I was like 12. My dad and I used to go ALLLLLLL the time before Derek was born. I miss that. But it was lots of fun. Then Haley came with us to dinner at Chevy's. I told them NOT to tell them it was my birthday cuz i hate that. But of course my brother and Haley did. Haha.Whatever.
So now I'm headed to Sac for the night to see Tera and my baby Dylan.She is taking me to dinner. I kinda want Chevy's again. HAA! Then tomorrow its off the Reno FOREVER! :( Well not really forever, but it feels like it. I feel like the mountains are like a big locked gate, I can't even see Cali if I tried.At least here you can see for miles and miles into nowhere and not feel locked in. Im weird,I know.
GOODBYE!

If all they do is leave you for their new boyfriend?
Haley is making me mad. I have seen her for a total of 5 minutes since I've been here. She's flaked on me twice already, and she's ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET! Ugh, if this is how its always gonna be with her new boyfriend, then I already don't like him. He's taking my best friend away, and they have only been together for 2 weeks.

We've been planning on going to KT's birthday show for over a week, and now she wants to bail on me. Cuz HE'S here. I haven't seen her in 4 fucking months.Whatever, she's gonna miss out on a fun ass night!

I dyed my hair tonight by myself.[Cuz Haley flaked on me,suprise suprise] I did a pretty good job, not that its hard cuz its all one color.

But now I'm lonely because my parents and brother left tonight and I'm here alone :( I want to call someone to keep me company...but who?

Not Chris cuz its clear what he wants....

Oooh maybe Kyle...

Yeah...I'll give him a call :)

It started out bad...got in a fight with someone I considered a close friend.All because I was sticking up for another close friend.Obviously he wasn't a good friend in the first place though if he's gonna tell me not to talk to him anymore because I disagree with him. It makes me question all of our other talks.Was he actually trying to be a good friend and be there for me through my worst times,or was he just trying to get in my pants when I was vulnerable like she says he does with everybody? Thank god I'm smarter than that and didn't. I feel bad for her though. Nobody deserves to be talked about that way.

And yet I still feel like I did something wrong.Like by telling her I just created a bunch of drama. But she is still a close friend and I can't keep something like that from her.What if someday the subject comes up and Im saying how much I hate him...she'll wonder why, and then wonder why I didn't tell her sooner. Especially because his fake ass acts like everything is ok.

Ugh tell me I did the right thing. Tell me everything is gonna be ok. I don't like this.

Anyways...I guess I'm seeing Chris tonight.He just called. He works at a restaurant as a chef, and when he gets off he's gonna bring me some food. Probably just another excuse to sleep with me...I need to have a talk with him. I need to tell him how I feel. I don't just want sex. I want more with him....

Will I ever have that though?

That old me is dead and gone.
But the new me will be alright.

I'm back in Brentwood.
Thought a LOT the past few days. I saw Chris Gonzalez on Sunday night.That kinda screwed with my emotions.I ALWAYS go back to him...and I know soon I will drop him like I always do too. I need to just make up my mind about him and keep it final.It fucks with my own head too much and I can't even help it.Ugh.Part of me wants to be with him so bad...forever.Is it just cuz thats what I'm familiar with? I've known him since I was 14...I'm so comfortable with him. But another part of me wants convinces me it will never work and wants something else.

What am I gonna do?
Fuck being a girl and having emotions.

Just tryin to find my way back home.
The old me is dead and gone...dead and gone.

So I live in Reno now.Crazy.Never thought I would actually do it.And it sucks that i start talking to someone RIGHT before I moved...my luck,right? Ugh.And I really like him.Even though it will never work.
1)Because of the distance...not down with that.
2)Certain people would be mad if we WERE together.
3)My family wouldn't really accept it.

Why can't I find someone that I can just be with? No complications...

Enough of that.

Why can't I enjoy being happy for once? I always seem to bring myself down in one way or another.Im done with this shit...peace out.

So I'm going to Brentwood for the weekend. Staying at Haley's place so I don't fight with the madre. But she's taking me to that new mall today. Thats the only reason she asked me to go. What a nerd. But I'm not complaining. I am gonna miss my baby though =( I'm sad that I didn't get to see him last night, cuz now I won't see him til Monday.

Got a job interview Tuesday.STOKED.And I didn't even have to call them to check up on the app!They called me! SWEET! Anyways....I'm bored....this shit's wack yo! I'm in a hella good mood though, and I don't know why.

I win the one million dow-la big black guy!

Nigga shit...

So, I never keep up on this shit. I always forget. DAMN! Anyways. I met a great guy...it's about FUCKING TIME! He treats me like a princess and I never knew thats what I wanted in a guy...I guess I've been looking in all the wrong places, huh? He drives a firebird...you know how I like that =) He's taking me to Disneyland for Christmas!! HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THAT! <3
But other than that...I'm trying to find a job, don't know how I'm paying rent this month....shit. Whatever. Haley and I looked at apartments the other day. We're so close to moving in together!!! =) I'm so excited. I've been so stressed in this house. The only person I have to talk to is Britney. And sometimes Candy. I count the minutes for him to pick me up cuz I can't stand being here.

But thats life, and beggars can't be choosers...can they?

I don't know if I will ever get better. There are times when I think I couldn't be happier and that I don't need love. And then there are times when I am reminded of what could have been, or what it had been. The happiest times of my life where ripped away from me before my eyes. Left me broken. Totalled I think, beyond fixable. Nights like this remind me. Why do I still think of you? Why can't you leave my thoughts and heart? Why can't I let you go? I think there will always be a little corner in my heart with your name labelled on the outside of the door. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and erase it all. But other times I remember how happy I was and I never want to forget that. Why did I have to fall for the one person I can't have. Why does my heart do this to me? Can't I be happy without a guy? Without love? I wish my heart didn't love. I wouldn't be hurt by every single word that cut like a knife. Only from you....you hurt me more than anybody. Its been forever and I'm still stuck. I'm in a black hole, I have almost gotten out so many times, and you won't let me. You want to keep me in this whole forever. Just so you can be happy. To see me rot. Its killing me and you don't even care. I loved you. I LOVE you. I hate you. You made me this way, and I will live the rest of my life in this hole that you put me in. So thank you, saves me from getting my heart broken again....

FUCK OFF.